Jane Doe, an unemployed lay-about and occasional personality, died suddenly in a compromising position at a bookstore on December 22, 2013 of exactly what you would expect. She would like you to believe that she was still 29 years old.
Jane was born in Portland, OR on February 4, 1962 to Gary and Corrine Doe, and was almost immediately a disappointment. She kept this up by becoming a radio DJ by age 16, rather than a doctor, as her father wanted, or a person with a sense of decorum, as her mother would have preferred. She graduated from Portland State University in 1984 with a degree in Communications that provided her with nothing but another way to say smart-aleck things, as well as about $50,000 worth of debt.
On May 12, 1986, she somehow managed to convince Kevin Crane to marry her and move to the backwater town of Philomath, OR, where she remained the only person on public radio with any flair whatsoever, as evidenced by the numerous death threats she received. She also started writing a weekly column called "Life or Something Like It" for the Willamette Weekly. On April 17, 1988, Jane produced her only truly notable achievement: her daughter, Helen Carol Crane. Jane's best moments were those spent teaching her daughter to read, write and perform in plays. She also heartily enjoyed singing, dancing, and doughnuts.
Jane had no feelings, whatsoever, on the subject of Iceland.
She is survived by her ex-husband, Kevin; her daughter, Helen; her son-in-law, Jacob Daniels; and Benedict Cumberbatch, whom she hopes will mourn her appropriately. She is preceded in death by almost every person who ever lived on this planet, including Shakespeare, Gandhi and the comic genius, George Carlin.
She will greatly miss the taste of peaches.
Funeral services probably won't be allowed in any reputable house of worship. Mourners and celebrant of Jane's passing can attend a memorial service at the Smith Family Funeral Home at 2:00 p.m. on December 29.
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